As I found myself, I found my voice. Journey with me right quick...
Now I've always been and have known to speak up for myself. To take the lead and to be the initiator. But last year I guess I realized just how shallow my voice was. No, actually I didn't realize how deep & influential my voice could be.
At the beginning of 2019 I went through significant changes in my life. But around this time last year I was preparing for the last exams of my career. This is exam is the 2nd to last stepping stone towards obtaining my PhD in Epidemiology. I was shook! (to say the least). I wasn't myself, I wasn't me. My typical study habits and techniques I had acquired throughout my 25+ years in school were failing me. I remember meeting with my advisor explaining to her my worry and confusion about my habits lately... and although I felt that something deeper was changing within me, all I could explain to her was that I was going through a depression (or having a depressive couple of months)
And so the journey began...
Through my unraveling, the pieces of my voice slowly began to fall into place. God started place people, situations, articles, self-assessments - all for me to start to learn the parts of me that I had failed to see, stifle, or saw but ignored. Behavior patterns are hard to break... and sometimes we just have to face reality, pull up our big girl panties, and do the WORK!
I was a hot ass mess... lol. The whole process of unlearning to re-learn challenged me in the worst/best ways possible.
Wonder why I'm love quizzes so much!? Because those quizzes are what snapped me back into reality and led me to face... me. Lemme walk you through it...
Since January 2019, I've been enjoying the single dating life. This had been my first opportunity as a woman living on her own in Brooklyn ... type of dating life. If you know what I mean ;). I needed to improve myself as a woman so all 2019 I watched lectures, read, and had conversations about understanding men... not knowing that ultimately I would end up learning about myself. I remember coming across the book "The Game of Desire" by Shannon Boodram (GT fam!).
Who is Shan? Well Shan is a whole sex educator and intimacy expert. Now I typically don't subscribe or pay attention to those "relationship expert" type of people... however Shan's approach was different. Her approaches to dating life were steeped in self- and social awareness. Using techniques that dive deep into YOU and your emotions and emotional attachments and personality, you're able to understand why you react, respond, and even approach dating the way that you do. (Hopefully that makes sense.) In the book, she takes a group of women through an "experiment" - essentially a series of workshops, dates, challenges - all with the goal of personalizing their approach to a successful dating life. But it all starts with self-assessments. One of the quizzes included in the book is called the "Attachment Style Quiz". Your attachment style is how you attach to other adults. Your attachment to other adults strongly corresponds with how you attached to others as a child.
The four child/adult attachment styles are (description in infogram):
Insecure (Anxious – Preoccupied)
Dismissive-Avoidant
Fearful-Avoidant
Secure
Now I'm not gon' tell y'all my results, but just know, it was tragic! I remember closing the Safari tab on my phone so quick with the deep eye roll like... "These people don't know my damn life. I am not insecure whatever else they trying to label me. Why y'all so loud?!." ROTFL.
But the quiz results stayed on my mind. It hit a nerve. I sat on that Subway (MTA) train on the ride from Manhattan to Brooklyn reflecting on my past relationships & I was pressed as a panini. Lowkey, the quiz was right... There were parts of my emotional attachments that needed addressing - badly. *whew chile, the ghetto*
So after a night of trying to ignore the results. I said, "Okay God, what you tryna tell me? You always want me to do something lol."
And now I was tasked with the grand opportunity of re-learning my attachment to the adults in my life through:
Understanding and accepting my current attachment type
Meditating on why/where the attachment style generated from in my life
How it shows up now in my adulthood relationships
Ultimately with the goal of making my way.... up to the "Secure" attachment style. So yeah... take those quizzes... It'll change yo life! In a good way.
Back to my voice...
As I continued to learn myself, I learned how unique I was. And I learned to be OKAY with that uniqueness. Unknowingly, my voice began to mature. I've always had a voice, I've just been afraid to speak it for fear of not being liked or accepted or understood. As my voice matured, I began to voice my desires... my needs, wants. And I received. It reminded me of Mark 11:24 "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
I asked God to help me develop my voice... and he did. I learned the necessity in speaking up to heal my inner child trauma, mature into womanhood, and take back the power of directing my future and legacy.
And you know how when God answers prayers, he over delivers? Not only did he give me personal confirmation that my voice is unique and deserves to be heard - but he started to send people my way excited to hear what I had to say. I've received messages from people that I looked up to and deeply respected excited for my content... for my voice. I was shocked.
So welcome to Soul Hugs... I thank you from the deepest parts of me for being here and even reading this blog and the slight interest in Soul Hugs. I love learning and I love learning from others. I'm excited to continue this journey with a tribe. A soul tribe.
My Soul Hugs Tribe.
My devotion to you is to walk & give you company along the journey of unfolding your true self, finding your voice, elucidate your unique talents and gifts so that you can harness and use your power to find peace and happiness, and ... making y'all laugh in the process.
Love,
Tabitha
Xoxo
Hey Queens!